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UK to bomb America in next phase of War on Terror™

Prime minister Tony Blair last night informed the UK of a huge bombing campaign about to be unleashed on the United States of America.

"This is the final phase in my War on Terror™," he said in a presidential address from Number 10. "Amen."

The decision to start a war on the most powerful country in the world and up til now a close ally has split the country in two. While few dispute that destroying the US' infrastructure would reduce world terrorism significantly, MPs are furious that they were given no opportunity to discuss the matter — or even any indication of the policy change.

This, whips explained, was because Tone had only come up with the plan on Sunday morning and didn't have time to explain it all. Britain's entire air fleet is currently just one hour from the USA's coast and all nine bombers have been told to return to Britain straight after dropping their bombs so they can pick up more and do it again. The navy has also released its warship from games in the Middle East.

But while the decision has been described as "madness" and "suicide" by critics, it has proved enormously popular with the population at large. "Yeah, let's bomb the bastards," shouted one crazed fan to no one in particular. "Kill! Kill! Kill!," roared a granny from Carlisle.

The bloodlust almost certainly stems from recent British successes, a paedophile explained to us: "After 50 years of diminishing importance, power and influence in the world, the last week has seen us celebrate the Queen's Jubilee, beat the Argies one-nil in the World Cup and watch Lennox Lewis kick Tyson's head in. There has never been a better time to be British."

Indeed, recent successes have brought back the Empire mentality amongst our villages and towns. Men and women have been seen building croquet lawns, tennis courts report a 200 per cent increase in attendance and more lackeys have been pistol-whipped this month that any time since May 1932.

The stiff upper lip is back in fashion as well-heeled young gentlemen perfect their indifference to other cultures and races and prepare to massacre anyone who doesn't agree with them. "Normally, we'd go after the Frogs or the Krauts," explained the head of British History at Cambridge, Professor George Curruthers. "Or, failing that, the nig-nogs. But times move on and now it's time to regain our empire by squashing the pretender to our crown — the Yanks."

Observers fear the strategy could go disastrously wrong however, with one predicting the entire destruction of the UK within four weeks. "Nonsense," said the PM's spokesman. "Besides, we have a secret weapon — the CIA."

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