Coconut pulls India and Pakistan back from brink

Curry lovers everywhere were rejoicing last night following a dramatic climbdown in the escalating conflict by India and Pakistan over the disputed region of Kashmir.

The surprise move came after all coconut-producing nations of the world refused to let their nuts be used in the world famous Kashmir curry dish. This immediately affected curry houses the world over as their supplies of coconuts and hence the Kashmir dish became as scarce as a virgin in a whorehouse.

Abdul Abdul Abdul Abdul, son of Abdul Abdul Abdul, the famous curry chef, stated: "I tried substituting the coconut flavour with bits of marinated turban but I just couldn't get the flavour right. It was a bit sweaty to be honest and my dandruff kept getting stuck between my teeth. I've never flossed so much."

In another bizarre twist to the story the chicken population is on course to hit an all-time high following a collapse in sales of the bird at meat markets. This drop is of course in direct relation to the lack of orders for chicken Kashmir and the other mild and slightly fruity coconut curry — the Korma. There has also reportedly been a slight rise in the population of the other ingredients, the Lamb and King Prawn. The curry house market reported a moderate increase in the sales of beef madras.

Sitting on a khazi somewhere, Pakistani politician Mohammed Mohammed Mohammed said: "Our countries just couldn't cope with such a serious loss to the economy. We couldn't even afford to light a fart, let alone send nukes against each other." When asked what he was doing on the khazi he simply replied: "Dodgy prawn vindaloo mate".

This leaves Jack Hay, the beady-eyed onion-bhaji-loving British foreign minister in a quandary. Sacrificing his holiday in a caravan in the region, Mr Hay was due to meet representatives of both countries in a vain attempt to get them to put more meat in his chicken tikka, and possibly stop them killing each other. However, following the renouncement of hostilities between the two countries he is now left only with a tray of red-coloured liquid, a keema nan and a plane ticket so he can watch the footy in Japan care of the British taxpayer.

This also puts into jeopardy the planned tour of the Northern regions (Manchester and Leeds) by U2 frontman Bono and some overrated American, who are currently in the country to promote their new musical collaboration Bloody Chapatti!