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Taskforce to eject Jim Davidson from Falklands

The British military are preparing a huge taskforce to eject comedian Jim Davidson from the Falkland Islands, we can confirm. The talented entertainer can expect no mercy from troops "fully committed to expelling his particular brand of humour from British sovereign territory".

The news was met by jubilant scenes in Port Stanley where the islands' inhabitants savoured the prospect of liberation from 20 years of relentless Black and Welsh jokes. "Don't get me wrong, nobody likes a good racist quip more than meself," chuckled one rain-lashed local, "but there comes a time for comedy self-determination. Once the Paras have sent 'Nick Nick' on his way, we have the real possibility of welcoming Dawn French to the South Atlantic. She seems very nice."

Military commanders have, however, warned Falklanders of the difficult task ahead. "It's taken us seven years to flush Davidson out of The Generation Game," noted one Gurkha. "His elite force of brainless bimbo sidekicks put up one hell of a fight, I can tell you."

Indeed, intelligence sources confirm that Davidson intends to fight to the death from a heavily-fortified Port Stanley leisure centre. Aerial reconnaissance images show that he has dug in deep with a BBC documentary crew, two busty assistants and a bottle of scotch. "This will make Mount Tumbledown look like a Girl Guides' picnic," noted a grim-faced squaddie.

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