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This is where it all went wrong for England

Teams of pundits have been working round the clock since Friday morning to find an adequate answer to the question "Where did it all go wrong for England?", we can reveal.

After a mammoth effort involving squads of analysts labouring under a punishing shift system, the English FA believes it has found the answer. "It was in a country called Japan, apparently," said a visibly-relieved official. "More specifically, in a city called Fukuroi in the prefecture of Shizuoka. A painstaking fingertip trawl of aerial reconnaissance photographs narrowed the search to a large sports arena known locally as the Shizuoka Stadium Ecopa. We're confident that this is where it all went wrong for England."

Geographers have confirmed the findings. A man with a very big map told The Rockall Times: "Yes, within the stadium is a large green rectangle — most probably turf. At one end is a structure of wooden posts supporting a net. Standing in front of said structure is a tearful Englishman sporting a ponytail. You can just make a spherical object, roughly the size of a football, lying in the back of the net."

The football authorities have expressed optimism that they can gain valuable insights from the newly-gathered information. "Yes, if there's one thing England can take away from this campaign, it's that we now know exactly where Japan is," enthused one strategist. "This will be invaluable in our preparations for World Cup 2006."

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