England will win major football tournament before heat death of universe, scientists predict

England's footballers will win a major football tournament before the known universe ceases to exist, a report has claimed.

The assertion — which gives hope to future generations of fans — comes from the Glen Hoddle Centre for Sports Probabilities, and is based on complex mathematical calculations.

"I can't really explain how we obtained this sensational result," said one of the research team, "but in layman's terms it's derived from the 'monkeys on typewriters' theorem which states that an infinite number of monkeys banging away on an immense number of typewriters would eventually produce the complete works of Shakespeare. So, it's fair to say that if England enter enough competitions they will — given a virtual infinity of time — finally triumph."

But while long-suffering England fans have welcomed the news that their great-great-great-great×10²⁴-grandchildren may come to drink from the cup of victory, other experts have dismissed the prediction. "Our research shows that the England squad are unlikely to progress further than the World-Cup quarter finals before the Earth is destroyed by a catastrophic asteroid impact," lamented an astronomer. "I'm sorry, but the figures just don't add up."

The FA, meanwhile, has declined to comment on the country's long-term prospects, although a spokesman offered: "To be honest, we're still looking through the team's luggage to see what exactly it is we took away from Japan. We haven't found anything yet, but when we do, you'll be the first to know."