Blunkett reclaims Union Jack for Britain

In a continuation of his moderate policies, home secretary David Blindgit today announced on-the-spot fines or prison sentences for British citizens who refuse to sport at least one tattoo of the Union flag or Cross of St George on a prominent part of their body.

"The 'reclaiming of flag' for the Golden Jubilee, the World Cup and the Reich must be sustained if we are to see off the BNP and National Front in their efforts to foster fear, mistrust, and exploit concerns which emerge at a time of change. That's our job," Blindgit said ahead of a speech at the Social Market Foundation in London. "And one of the best ways to show respect for the Flag, the Realm and the Crown is by having a painful tattoo of the Union Jack across your forehead."

Reichsminister Blanklook went on to state that tattoos of either the Union flag or Cross of St George across the forehead, or both flags on another easily visible extremity would be sufficient to avoid a hefty fine or a six-month stretch inside.

"Having the tattoos made on prominent parts of the body simplifies the task of enforcement for police officers who are already hard pushed to tell their own arses from their elbows," he said. State-registered tattoo parlours would be established, with subsidised tattoos for the under-12s and pensioners. "The money raised will be ringfenced for a new machine-gun nest at Folkestone to make the point to the Sangatte refugees that I'm not fuc*king about," he added with a smile.

When asked what Führer Blair's stance was on the tattoo policy, Blanklook replied that "in order to set an example Our Glorious Leader Blair has already had his buttocks tattooed with both the Union flag and the Cross of St George".

The tattoos should leave cabinet ministers in no doubt of Blur's nationalistic fervour when their approach him for permission to do their jobs.