London Mayor attacks pregnant woman with chainsaw

London Mayor Ken Livingstone attacked his pregnant partner with a chainsaw, punched an elderly war veteran down a flight of stairs, fired a semi-automatic rifle at police during a two-hour car chase before barricading himself in a packed childrens' playcentre, dousing himself with petrol and shouting "You'll never take me alive, copper", we can confirm.

Eyewitnesses, speaking exclusively to The Rockall Times, further state that during the crack-fuelled orgy of destruction and mayhem, Livingstone KICKED a neighbour's cat over a garden wall, URINATED on a portrait of Her Majesty Liz Two while swilling RUSSIAN VODKA supplied by his MOSCOW PAYMASTERS.

One of our visibly-shocked sources, who asked to be paid but not named, said: "I was shocked, quite frankly. I was ideally placed to see the whole thing — right next to a telephone while reading a copy of The Evening Standard. As I looked out of the window I saw Red Ken burning a Union Jack on the front steps of someone's house. When a passer-by tried to stop him, the Mayor stabbed him seventeen times with a ceremonial dagger. He then stripped himself naked and bathed in the man's warm and still-pumping blood."

Livingstone appeared before a special session of the London Assembly last week where he attempted to save his flayed political skin. He says the entire story is a fabrication. We say: Tell that to the orphaned children, Livingstone.

The question is this: What kind of nadir has our democracy sunk to where men of Livingstone's ilk can gain elected office from which to launch an attack on the very bedrock of our society? God help us all.

And, while police sources assert that they have received no notification of the alleged offences, one thing is clear — Livingstone is the Antichrist made flesh an he must GO, he must GO NOW and he must NOT COME BACK. The people have spoken.

Next week

Livingstone hijacked airliner with AIDS-infected syringe, witnesses claim