Semen makes women happy, scientists prove

Male ejaculate contains hormones which make women happy, a survey has proved. Females who had unprotected sex were found to considerably more cheerful than those who insisted on a condom.

Visibly-excited scientists were quick to press the advantages of semen on their female colleagues, with a resultant immediate improvement in staff morale.

But the work doesn't end there: the boffins now intend to further prove that regular doses of the wonder fluid will be effective in fighting the seven signs of ageing.

"There's no doubt that man-juice will show itself to be seventeen per cent ahead of pro-retinol A in eliminating minor wrinkles and improving skin tone," one beauty expert told The Rockall Times. "Quite frankly, there's no point in shelling out a fortune for lotions and unguents when there's a virtually unlimited free supply of age-defying cream just waiting to be harvested."

Male government health advisors enthusiastically agree, and are urging women to "swallow, not spit". A nation-wide TV advertising campaign aimed at married females is expected in the Autumn.