Pot-addled hippies attempt to claim Rockall

It has come to our attention that a group of "global citizens" (whatever that is) appear to have claimed Rockall as their own. Not only that but they seem to think that Rockall forms the centre of some new country of their own making called Waveland.

The insult to Her Great Majesty Liz Two notwithstanding, we would like to make it clear to these upstarts that Rockall is, was and always shall be owned by ENGland.

But not content with their petulant and obnoxious behaviour, those behind this new country have even set up an Internet presence at www.waveland.org, through which they disseminate lies and propaganda in their frankly ludicrous efforts to remove Rockall from the UK's loving bosom.

We are not unduly concerned with the people behind this attempted coup — who appear to be related to the three dimwits that camped here a few years back — since they are clearly clueless, their manifesto containing such hippie mumbo-jumbo as "Waveland's citizens share common values: co-operation, respect for difference, peaceful co-existence with one-another and with nature" and "Waveland is a data-oasis where you should feel that you are as far from the global marketplace as you could possibly be".

Nevertheless, as sole inhabitants of Rockall, we have a right to defend ourselves and so have constructed a small machine-gun nest on the rock from which we will spray any stupid hippies with extremely hard and fast pieces of pointed metal that will make short work of their bones, muscles and soggy, pot-addled brains.