British warmly embrace identity card proposal

Home secretary David Blunkett is said to be "happier than a Rwandan who's won a trolley dash in a machete warehouse" after a Rockall Times survey showed 99.7 per cent of the UK population in favour of a voluntary identity card scheme.

Shoppers among the Saturday throng in Basingstoke town centre were quick to back the proposal. "Well, it's only those with something to hide who would object, isn't it?" said a man wearing a cardigan and elastic-waisted sports slacks. "Yes," agreed his wife enthusiastically. "And immigrants."

Despite the endorsement however, Blindgit remains cautious about introducing such a measure. At a press conference, he said he might think about the potential introduction of a voluntary card, which is not in any way an identity card.

The card might be called a Notidentity card and would carry details of people's identity. However the Notidentity card may not be introduced if it would result in the loss of votes or upset Rupert Murdoch.

The police have also welcomed the proposal. "It'll be of great assistance to us in fighting crime," one cheif inspector told The Rockall Times. "Members of the black community look especially set to benefit, since they'll be able to prove instantly that they are in fact the owner of any high-performance sports car they might happen to be driving. We'll still have to pull them over first, obviously, but the ID card should cut down on paperwork."

Blunkett has been keen to stress the voluntary nature of the scheme, noting that it was more "entitlement card" than "identity document". Indeed, he insisted, it would be required only for "voting, leaving or entering the country, claiming medical services or state benefits, applying for a passport, operating a bank account, obtaining a credit card, owning, driving or insuring a car, using public transport, buying alcoholic beverages in licenced premises, purchasing cigarettes or top-shelf literature, owning a dog, walking the streets between the hours of 10pm and 6am, or playing the bagpipes south of Berwick-upon-Tweed."

As an added incentive, bearers of the card would be offered "great discounts on a range of designer clothes and two-for-one fast food deals," he enthused.

Experts too have rushed to highlight the potential social pluses, such as having your blood type, medical history and preferred shampoo recorded on a smart chip which could be read by doctors should you ever require an emergency haircut while in a deep coma.

President Blair, speaking from Brazil where he is claiming credit for their victory in the World Cup, said: "I'm just a regular guy, and this is good for Britain. It has passed my five economic tests and a man I shared a flat with just happens to have won the contract for producing 60 million of them — not that it is a foregone conclusion. As always, we shall consult the British people before doing what we like."

A spokesman for the Tory party who shall remain nameless because nobody knows his name, said: "It is a complete disgrace. I don't need a card to tell me who I am. I just have to ask the nurse."