There’s fuc*k all on Rockall   57°35’48”N 13°41’19”W
Contact The Rockall Times FAQ
  Monday 8th July 2002  World News   Powered by Yeast Logic
[E] [P] [I]

Pentagon targets Timmy Weston in War on Drugs

23-year-old on frontline of new campaign
by Frank White

The US war on drugs was stepped up Monday when the Pentagon announced plans to spend $200 million closing down $150-a-week marijuana drug dealer Timmy Weston in Ohio.

The 23-year-old is the first such target in a new scheme to pick off individual drug-dealers, said Pentagon officials. Weston, of Columbus, Ohio, is known to sell $10 bags of the drug marijuana from Buzzy's Computer Arcade just under five miles from a nursery school.

Speaking off the record, officials said they have reliable information that Weston once sold a $20 bag of "weed" — as the intoxicant is known in drug circles.

"We figured it was about time we showed the American people some results in the war against this cancer," said General John Shelton, the commander of the new strategy, in an exclusive interview with the Rockall Times. Attack helicopters, laser-guided missiles, and the US Green Berets may all be used against Weston, he confirmed.

Weston, known to his clients as "Dimbo", has been selling the gateway drug to friends and acquaintances for five years, officials said. He is thought to use the proceeds of his immoral business to buy computer games for his Nintendo 64. Using state-of-the-art surveillance systems, officials confirmed that he has still yet to finish the last game he bought from his criminal proceeds, Legend of Zelda.

Despite positive reports, US generals were quick to damp down expectations that the war on Weston will be over soon. "I want the American people to know that this may be a long campaign and that there will be casualties," said Shelton.

Three weeks into the campaign, the army has still been unable to pinpoint Weston's location despite use of its most sophisticated equipment. It is believed he has turned off his mobile phone.

Officials have dismissed concerns that the "every dealer, every time" campaign is an inappropriate use of public funds. "Look, we poured nearly $2 billion into Colombia, and they're making more cocaine than ever. God willing, at least with this plan we'll be taking four dealers of death off our streets," said Shelton.

 Go on then, hard man