Prescott in private tuition shock

Deputy prime minister John Prescott is receiving private tuition from teachers at leading public schools, we have learned.

Sources close to Downing Street say the lessons are intended to supplement the outstanding education Prescott received in the state school system and as a bar steward with Canard cruises.

A spokesman for the Department of Education said the news in no way reflected badly on the state system and denied claims that it is failing. "State education is perfectly adequate", he told us: "For them what wants to be plumbers and labourers, or work in call centres. And by the end of our tenure, we expect this to account for 80 per cent of all UK citizens."

However, he added: "When you've loads of cash, you want something better though. Look at Tony's kids, for example. Mind you, Tony's family life should be totally private. Except for exceptional circumstances — like when He needs to make clear his commitment to family and reassure the people that he is one of them."

President Blair, speaking from the world-class Sheridan hotel where he is waging his War Against Poverty™, agreed that the unlikely leak may take attention away from the private tuition his own kids are receiving. "John's doing really well," He said, "and soon I expect to be able to let him give out the pencils at cabinet meetings."

A spokesman for the Tory party ridiculed the notion of private tuition however. "I didn't need any extra tuition when I was at Eton," he said, "and I don't see why old Johnny should have special treatment. Yes I know everybody doesn't go to Eton, there's that other one isn't there?"

Mr Prescott, who hopes the lessons will allow him to talk proper, stop hitting people who annoy him, and eventually enable progress to page four of The Sun, said: "If it's good enough for them toffs like Blair's lads, that's bloody great by me. The rain in Spain stays mainly on the... bugger me I've sodding forgot it again."