US Court of Appeals declares swearing unconstitutional

The Ninety-Ninth Circuit US Court of Appeals — in what seems to be another in a series of decisions unpopular with Americans as a whole — has declared swearing to be unconstitutional.

Judge Alfred Goodwin, writing in the 2-1 majority ruling, stated that "the use of any reference to the deity when cursing is a direct violation of the First Amendment of the Constitution. It is a clear infringement of the separation of church and state".

Reaction was swift across America. "This God-damn lunacy," said Senator Trent Lott (R). "Using a God-damn swear word is a God-damn American tradition! God-damn that liberal communist judge!"

"Jesus H. Christ!" said Reverend Lou Sheldon, founder of the Traditional Values Coalition. "If there's any God-damn traditional value, swearing is it!"

"Holy Mother Mary of God," screamed reporter Chris Matthews of the MSNBC cable news network. "I've been swearing since I was a God-damn democrat, and now they want to take that away from me? Fuc*k that shi*t!"

President Dubya was also against the decision. "If we can't swear, how can my daughters enjoy their drinking binges? God-damn!" Dubya went on to denounce the Circuit Court of Appeals: "If these judges are going to get technical about the Constitution, where will that lead? First they take away our right to swear, then they'll say I can't hold US citizens indefinitely without charging them or giving them access to a lawyer."

When asked if that was irony, Mr. Bush stated, "No, I dry clean this suit."

The 99th Circuit covers only nine western states and Guam, so the decision will have no affect on most of the United States. "God-damn right it won't," said Senator Tom Daschle (D), jumping on the anti-court band wagon. "We'll God-damn swear in South God-damn Dakota all we God-damn want to."

The original suit that the Court ruled on was brought by Mrs Evelyn Magillicuddy, a retired teacher from Fremont, California. Mrs. Magillicuddy, apparently, was always offended by the children's use of swear words in her classes. "And I taught kindergarten for 35 years," she said. "Children should at least wait until the fourth grade to curse, just like when I was a kid!"

Constitutional scholar Ira Howe said of the ruling that the Court apparently found that invoking the name of the Lord when cursing somehow implies an endorsement of a monotheistic religion. "The First Amendment of the Constitution states that Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion," said Mr. Howe. "But this is taking things to their extreme."