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US air force targeting blunder sparks enquiry

The United States air force today launched a full enquiry after reports surfaced of US warplanes striking legitimate al-Qaeda terrorist organisation targets.

Airforce information officer, Major Chad Reamer, confirmed today that officers from the military Attorney General's office were being dispatched to Afghanistan to investigate the reports.

Major Reamer stated: "I can confirm that at doh-four-hundred hours zulu time, a flight of F-16s operating from their base at Kandahar dropped ordinance on suspected terrorist camp positions in Northern Afghanistan. Analysis of post-mission bomb damage assessment photography indicates that the aircraft may have inadvertently hit legitimate military targets."

The USAF, formed in 1947, has a long history of efficiency and precision in the bombing of friendly forces, allied peacekeepers, wedding celebrations and vehicle drivers who flash their brake lights too enthusiastically. The latest incident has the potential to cause irreparable damage to the Air Force's reputation.

Eyewitness Hasard Kownti al-Dook reported: "We saw the Yankee planes only for few seconds before they dropped bomb. Planes completely ignored usual targets like village school and hospital, and dropped big bomb on Al-Qaeda headquarters. It blew up."

In a press briefing, Major Reamer was quick to assure media representatives that procedures were being reviewed and that normal operations would be restored as soon as possible. Costs for the investigation were estimated at $2 million.

When asked for comment, President Dubya stated: "I have the utmost faith in the fine men and women of the United States Air Force to carry out the eradification of the evil al-Qaeda organisation. The sooner they can get back to bombing the crap out of whatever they were bombing the crap out of, the better."

Indeed, Bush has confirmed that the so-called War on Confetti™ will continue after a successful precision strike on a wedding party in Afghanistan's central province of Uruzgan killed 40 suspected party-goers, writes Nigel Pearce.

A state department spokesman told the press: "We have information that the confetti used in the wedding party was a danger to the peoples of the free world, but mostly to Americans." However, Afghan president Hamid Karzal has denied the paper used was the athrax-laced type, but rather the pastel tissue-paper kind shaped into small bells.

Be that as it may, intelligence sources informed The Rockall Times that terrorists could turn to soft targets such as mosques and houses to avoid detection. One agent told us: "We haven't seen it yet but our information is that suicide confetti could be finding it's way into the US."

Despite increased security, a Washington Post reporter this week managed to smuggle several boxes of confetti past checkpoints at more than 30 major US airports.

Afghan residents, who did not want to be identified in case they were targeted, literally, told us of their concerns. "When al-Qaeda fire, the Afghan forces duck for cover," he told us. "When the Afghan forces fire, al-Qaeda duck for cover. But when the Americans fire, everyone runs for cover."

Meanwhile in Britain, couples are deliberating whether it is still safe to proceed with their wedding plans. Debbie, who is marrying Roger on Saturday at a church only a mile from a US air base, told us: "I don't mind if it rains but if my special day was disrupted by laser-guided munitions it would be a complete disaster. I'm not going to the reception in a blood-splattered wedding dress, that's for sure." Her mother immediately began to sob uncontrollably at the prospect.

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