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Kangaroo tramples Tiger

Despite the support of thousands of temp secretaries, their faces painted with the flag of Saint George, enthusiastically shouting "Come on Tim!" every two minutes without fail, Britain's tennis powerhouse "Tiger" Tim Henman crashed out in the Wimbledon men's semi-finals to fighting kangaroo Lleyton Hewitt.

Following the 7-5 6-1 7-5 thrashing, Henman insisted "I can win Wimbledon. No, really."

When pressed as to how he intended to achieve this feat of arms and thereby become the first Briton to lift the trophy since 1936, Henman outlined his 2003 strategy: "It won't be easy, I'll admit. First up, we got to somehow get Hewitt to a wedding in southern Afghanistan, preferably one with lots of people firing guns in the air. Then, it's just a matter of loading the rest of the men's seeds onto an ageing Russian airliner and flying it over and part of Europe monitored by Swiss air traffic control."

Sports pundits have, however, dismissed Henman's ambitions as "pure fantasy". "My father is 83 years old, has Alzheimer's and MS, has never played tennis in his life and is confined to a wheelchair. He could beat Henman with his feet nailed to the Centre Court, to be frank," one member of the Lawn Tennis Association told The Rockall Times. "That's rubbish," said Henman's coach. "Tim recently went the full five sets with a blind man with no legs. He only lost the final set tie-breaker because of a suspect line call. Besides, anyone who actually makes it to Wimbledon 2003 will never make it out of the locker room, if you know what I mean. We intend to claim that trophy for Britain, by whatever means necessary."

Fans have welcomed the news. One suburban PA sporting a "Come on Tim!" clitoral piercing told us: "Oooh, he's lovely. He's like a big cuddly tiger. Come on Tim!"

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