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UK crime up 1,000,000 per cent

With the UK's jails filled to bursting with porn-peddling paedophiles and shoplifting single mothers, and the streets awash with gun-toting illegal immigrants bent on extracting every last penny from the Welfare State, British police fear a complete collapse in law and order, we can reveal.

Violent crime is up an incredible 2,743 PER CENT, and the average grandmother can expect to be savagely beaten with iron bars for her pension at least once a MONTH.

Every house in the country has been burgled an average SEVEN times, with many inner-city crack-fuelled burglary teams forced to circulate photocopied timetables to avoid simultaneously burgling the same property.

Ninety-three per cent of new family cars spend a mere THREE HOURS on the road before ending up on bricks, their CD multi-changers ripped out unceremoniously by laughing mobs of delinquent teenagers who POUR SCORN on watching police officers who are powerless to act since "no motoring offence has been committed".

And, terrifyingly, EIGHTY-FOUR per cent of British males are now paedophiles preying on the young and defenceless to satisfy their EVIL LUST for kiddie porn.

Incredibly, the authorities admit that as recently as 1996, there were few if any paedophiles in Britain. "They just came out of nowhere," said a visibly-shaken beat officer. "When I was a lad, we all had an uncle or family friend who was bit strange, but you just made sure you weren't left alone in a room with him. Now we've got a plague of kiddie-fiddlers. It's a nightmare."

This is the stark reality of Britain in 2002, a reality where gun crime and the ready availability of knives have reduced the average male's life expectancy to just TWENTY-THREE years. Indeed, so bad have things become in our inner cities that many young men commit terrible acts of mindless violence simply for the chance to spend 15 years in the relative safety of a sex-offenders' wing in one of the country's jails.

The government is, however, quick to stress its success in many areas of law enforcement. "Don't have nightmares," advised one spokesman. "We should all take heart from the fact that we have not had a single incident of the capital offence of setting fire to arsenals and dockyards since the war. Piracy on the high seas is at its lowest level since 1613. Both these facts clearly vindicate our policy of getting tough on saboteurs and buccaneers. We're sending a clear message here: Those who attack the very fabric of our society can expect the harshest penalties."

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