New York fire brigade embraces new 'non-combatant' recruits

The New York fire brigade will open its doors to the paying public, it was announced today.

From the end of the month, those American patriots willing to part with $5,000 will be able to bask in the reflected glory of the fireman as they take charge of their FDNY membership card, monthly newsletter and free commemorative fireman mantelpiece figurine.

The scheme, dreamed up by the My Life's Empty group of 9 November affiliate merchandise, could raise up to $2 billion in cash for the department, although 50 per cent of that will have to be spent on War on Terror™-related material.

Those signing up need not worry about having to display any courage however, as the special membership deal will come with a "non-combatant" status, ensuring that the owner will not be asked to assist in any fire larger than a small wastepaper bin.

The scheme will also have the huge advantage of releasing working fireman from their exhaustive tour of Western countries' official ceremonies, large gigs, prize-givings and country fairs. With most of the remainder of the department currently in Paris being fawned over by the unpopular president, a spokesman for the NYPD said it would only take two warehouse fires at the same time for the service to be over-stretched.

This comment was shot down by a spokesman for the NYVD, however, who claimed the police were bitter at no longer being America's number one four-letter acronym.

Paying members will be entitled to one foreign and three domestic trips representing the department over the course of the two-year sign-up. They will however have to pay for their own uniform — something that doesn't bother most applicants since the FDNY uniform has become the most sought-after clothing in high-fashion circles. Top designer Donna Kebab even suggested this week she may change her name to Frances Divine in order to cash in on the United States' terminal addiction to tokenism.