Blunkett puts cannabis on National Curriculum

The mid-morning spliff looks likely to join the Chinese burn and the Pókemon card as an integral part of life in Britain's schools.

Rolling out the latest initiative in the government's War on Drugs™, Home Secretary David Blunkett announced that ganja monitors will be dishing out free reefers instead of milk to all under-11s.

"We've got to protect the young," said far-sighted Blinkit. "Many schools are on busy roads and we can't have our kiddies getting run over crossing the road to buy their weed. This is a clear signal to drug dealers everywhere that we won't have them putting our youngsters' lives in danger."

A teachers' spokesman welcomed the initiative, adding that he hoped teachers would be eligible for staff discounts. "Mind you," he added, "pupils will be discouraged from stashing their hooter in their desks. We don't want to encourage thieving."

Neil Durden Smith, head of the Conservative Party, was scathing about the government's plans. "I certainly don't condone it, but some people say there's not much wrong with the odd joint," he assured us. "Many a member of the Shadow Cabinet has sampled the old rainy day woman before moving onto greater things. But who's going to pay for it? The figures just don't add up. Mark my words, there will be more stealth taxes."

Tony Blair, speaking from anywhere he can get near a microphone, said that this was just the start. "If the plan works and it passes the five economic tests, we'll move on and tackle the harder drugs — aspirin, paracetamol, milk of magnesia. I'm a regular guy and a family man. My kids go to a bog-standard school and have a perfectly normal private tutor. New Labour is tough on drugs, tough on pharmacists."

The contract for supplying the country's schools with gear is believed to have gone to a contact of a relative of someone who once shared a flat with the British president. In a muffled telephone statement, his minder confirmed that his was the most competitive bid and he would be willing to supply strings of bitches to sixth-formers at competitive rates if the government didn't give him no shi*t.