Government in 'gateway' soft drink clampdown

UK home secretary David Blunkett today signalled the government's commitment to fighting the menace of "gateway" foodstuffs by ordering that kiddies' favourite beverage Sunny Delight be reclassified from "soft drink" to class-B drug.

Stating that he rather have his children "smoke cannabis than drink that shit", Blindgit further promised heavy penalties for dealers, wholesalers and retailers. Rejecting claims that "Sunny D" — as it is known on the street — could be demonstrated to have some nutritional benefits, he told The Rockall Times: "There's more vitamin C in a five-pound bag of crack cocaine. And if you want a sun-ripened organic product, try heroin."

Dietary experts have welcomed the announcement. One told us: "The consequences of flooding the UK with additive-rich sugar-based products is terrifying. Once a youngster is hooked, it's a small step to a diet entirely comprised of crisps, burgers, oven chips and novelty chicken nuggets."

The facts bear this out. A recent survey showed whole swathes of northern housing estates hopelessly addicted to microwave meals, with children increasingly resorting to relentless whining in order to feed their craving for mini pizzas.

Shockingly, the effects are being felt even among middle-class families where a robust attitude towards substance abuse has traditionally led to healthy children regularly sitting down to enormous plates of broccoli, albeit tearfully. "Focaccia sales are down 10 per cent," the manager of one green-belt supermarket noted grimly. "We even had one mother in here last week asking for individually packed processed cheese slices. And she's a barrister from a good family. I fear for our children."