UK cedes Isle of Wight to French

Following his success in ceding the sovereignty of Gibraltar to Spain, foreign secretary Jack Straw today announced that he was to demonstrate Britain's power under New Labour by offering the Isle of Wight to France.

"I'm no pushover when it comes to negotiating," he claimed, "and the French will certainly know they've been in a negotiation when they walk away with the Isle of Wight. Remember that after the Battle of Hastings, the whole country was owned by the French, so if we get away with only losing the Isle of Wight, we've done far better than our predecessors did in 1066."

A French spokesman was enthusiastic about the idea: "We have been thinking about moving the Sangatte refugee camp closer to Britain, and your Isle of Wight would seem an ideal location. And then there are the extra farming subsidies we can claim.

"Of course," he added, "this changes nothing about your beef." Unfortunately, the rest of his comments were lost beneath the noise of a fleet of JCBs hastily burying diseased French cattle.

British president Tony Blur was full of praise for the scheme: "Government statistics show that the Isle of Wight has been French for longer than it has been English, and it is only fair to restore it to its rightful owners," he enthused, speaking from Brussels where he was fighting his War Against Upsetting Anybody Powerful™.

"It may be true that most of the inhabitants are Tory voters, but that has not influenced the decision at all. It is important to keep Europe on our side if we're going to be looking for top jobs in Europe in the future. Naturally, the opinions of the people on the island will be listened to and given all the consideration they deserve."

"It's a total disgrace and just what you would expect from this sleazy government," said Conservative Leader Neil Durden Smith. "The figures don't add up. Who's going to pay for it? There will be more stealth taxes."

The Campaign to Keep the Island British issued a statement, but there was nothing in it worth reading.