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Milton Keynes 'will be UK Capital by 2050', experts predict

A confidential report leaked yesterday to The Rockall Times reveals the British government's top-secret plans to relocate to Milton Keynes by the year 2050, when it is expected that rising sea levels will engulf central London forever.

The reasons for the selection of Milton Keynes in the 200-page document by one of the UK's leading scientists are unclear. While it is estimated that the Thames will swell to a vast three-mile-wide lake, devastating inner London (with only highpoints such as Islington and Crystal Palace poking above the waves), some experts claim that it should still be possible to retain the UK government there, possibly on a big boat.

Nevertheless, senior ministers are alleged to have recently visited the Buckinghamshire "city" in heavy disguise to gauge its suitability as a capital for the 21st Century and beyond. They were reportedly impressed by the ratio of roundabouts to people (approximately 1:1), and by the fact that due to a massive network of pointless roads, Milton Keynes has virtually no public transport. This, it is hoped, will encourage Ken Livingstone to stay away.

According to the report by floodologist Dr Simon Wootton-Bassett, nothing can be done to prevent vast areas of Britain disappearing under the sea. Two centuries of industrialisation have contributed towards global warming that cannot now be easily reversed. Melting icecaps at the north and south poles threaten low-lying and coastal areas all over the world, with the city of New York also among the expected victims. Dr Wootton-Bassett warns that very soon millions of people worldwide will be forced to abandon their homes and move further inland.

Most Americans have so far been dismissive of this new threat to their livelihoods. They see any attempts to reduce the vast quantity of greenhouse gases they produce as a threat to their livelihoods, and regard the predictions of flooding on a massive scale as just another al-Qaeda plot. Unsubstantiated reports that Osama bin Laden had been spotted starting fires on iceflows at the North Pole would seem to bear this out, though the Daily Sport claimed last week to have more recent sightings of him standing butt naked on the surface of the moon.

Here in the UK, Dr Wootton-Bassett insists that Milton Keynes remains the best option as the replacement for London. Claims that Dr Wootton-Bassett is a long-time resident of the city, and owns large amounts of development land in the surrounding area, were yesterday dismissed as "scurrilous".

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