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Blair to make the blind see

Spurred on by his recent success in the War Against Terror™, War Against Crime, War Against Poverty, War Against Drugs, War Against Benefit Cheats, War against Ill-Health and War Against Ilitterasey, British President Tony Blair has a new target in his sights — blindness.

For the next two weeks, Blur will focus on inventing a simple, cost-effective and revolutionary cure for blindness. He'll also spearhead something or other.

"It's a natural progression, really," said Blair speaking from a banana republic. "We expect this to be the most successful of all our wars and are pouring trillions of pounds into working parties, think-tanks, consultants and image-specialists to make sure it's a success. I've handpicked the people concerned in rolling out this initiative, so the country can be sure they're all top-rate, just like the Cabinet. We are sending out a mailshot to all blind people which they'll be able to feel in the next few days."

Home Secretary David Blungit is not expected to be among the early recipients of the miracle cure however. "It would be wrong of me as a privileged politician to put myself before all the millions of needy in this country", he told us. "If you'll excuse me now, I must be off to register for my increased MPs' pension."

The Post Office will be revitalised by the massive exercise to get certificates, with Braille subtitles, of 20:20 vision to every single one of the nation's visually impaired before the end of the fortnight.

Neil Durden Smith, leader of the breakaway Toryista guerrillas, declared that it was not good enough. "Under a Tory government," he said. "All the visually impaired would have 30:30 vision, working up to 40:40. Even 50:50 would be on the cards if we were elected for a second term."

A spokesman for the Lib-Dems said he hoped that the policy would eventually be extended to include all those with glasses and contact lenses.

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