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  Monday 22nd July 2002  World News   Powered by Yeast Logic
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IRA apologises for deaths of hundreds

Thanks very much
by Kieren McCarthy

The IRA has sort of apologised for murdering hundreds of innocent people over the past 30 years, so now everything is alright.

The message was delivered by a mumbling figure in a balaclava at Mr Blair's classroom in Westminister. "So, what have you got to say for yourself," asked Blair. "Sorry," mumbled the terrorist. "I'm sorry, I didn't quite hear that," continued Blair. "I'm sorry," said the bastard.

The apology was greeted with open arms by the honest-as-a-die-best-interests-at-heart politicians on all fifteen sides of the Ireland conflict, although Mr Adams was keen to point out that he only heard about the IRA a couple of weeks ago and had had nothing to do with them.

And with the pressure receding, it seemed that everyone was in the mood for reaching agreement. "I'm sorry," David Trimble said to Reverend Ian Paisley as he let one go. "It's the curry I had last night." And John Reid was caught saying: "Sorry 'bout that you Fenian arsehole" to Martin McGuinness when he accidentally trod on his foot at the reception.

However, despite the new atmosphere of openess, the British army, police, security services and politicians will not be apologising to anybody for anything.

Asked if he was considering a similar gesture, Tony Blair said: "Don't be silly, you'll never catch me apologising. Sign of weakness."

 Go on then, hard man