I’m at work. I’m bored. Make me laugh.

Trawl Rockall for:

I have never been a Catholic, claims Pope

Pope John Paul II today rocked the Church of Rome to the very theological foundations on which it stands by claiming he had "never been a Catholic".

He further stated that he "did not believe in the immaculate conception", and furthermore was "not particularly bothered one way or another" if God existed or not.

The shock revelation comes in the same week that Sinn Fein head Gerry Adams stated categorically that he had never been a member of the IRA, and further denied that he was even Irish, claiming that both his parents were in fact of Moldavian extraction.

"No, I can honestly say that I've never even had a drink with a member of the Provos," said Adams. "And neither has Martin McGuinness. Neither of us have the faintest idea what they get up to."

Experts now fear a world-wide outbreak of astounding assertions. "Michael Jackson has already intimated that he was never actually black," said one leading authority. "And, of course, it's already widely known that Harold Shipman never killed anyone, and Hitler was just a misunderstood artist."

Meanwhile, the British public expect Tony Blair is expected to confirm within the next few days what they have known all along — that he is not, nor has he ever been, a member of the Labour Party.

 Email an enemy  Pub-friendly printable version  ‘World News’ index page