I’m at work. I’m bored. Make me laugh.

Trawl Rockall for:

Backstreet Boys to save world from killer asteroid

NASA yesterday confirmed that The Backstreet Boys have been hired to save the world from recently discovered asteroid 2002-NT7, which is set to collide with the Earth on 1 February, 2019.

"The Backstreet Boys have been heroes to millions of teenage girls and homosexual men since 1998," said NASA spokesperson Hank Jones. "Now they get to be heros for the whole of mankind."

The five-man group, best known for hit singles including "I Want It That Way", "Quit Playing Games (With My Heart)", and "Ho Gimme Mo' Pussy", will lift off from Cape Canaveral spaceport on 15 August next year.

They will spend six months travelling to the asteroid in the Space Shuttle, which has been specially enhanced with computer graphics. Upon landing, the MTV Video Award-winning artists will deploy and arm six twenty-megaton nuclear warheads, which will be detonated before take-off.

However, some critics have expressed concern that the mission may be doomed from the start, given the Boys' special appearance fee of $2.5m each, and some of the items listed on the band's rider.

"If we don't get light sabers, I ain't doing it," heterosexual band member Brian Something said, still pissed at Slashdot readers for getting him kicked off the set of Star Wars: Episode II.

"Yeah, and I don't wanna pay taxes, like, ever," added straight band member Nick From The Backstreet Boys.

To raise funds, the mission, codenamed "Sacrificial Pawn" will be sponsored by Radio Shack, Pepsi, and the North American Music Appreciation Society.

2002-NT7, a hunk of rock and ice two kilometres in diameter that orbits the Sun once every 837 days, will impact the Earth at approximately 28 kilometres per second, causing continent-wide devastation, tidal waves, and global climate change, experts say.

The mission will fulfil President George W Bush's election pledge to put a boy band in space before the end of the decade.

"JFK promised to put an American on the moon by the end of the 60s, and by Christ we did it," White House spokesperson Rob Lowe said. "If the Commies think they can get one up on this great nation by just shooting one NSYNC fag into orbit, they got another thing coming."

"God bless America," President Bush added, sending his approval rating up four per cent.

However, Russian officials denied reports of plans to send a mission destroy the asteroid three months before the US, using a prototype Soyuz rocket and Moscow-based Satanic rock foursome Glans Farm.

"We've done our own calculations," said Russian Space Agency spokesperson Vladmir Skiskiski, "and we estimate the asteroid will impact Earth approximately 30 miles east of Kansas City."

"And quite frankly," he added, "we couldn't give a flying fuc*k."

 Email an enemy  Pub-friendly printable version  ‘The Arts’ index page