Body piercing major obstacle to successful career

Body piercing can ruin your career, end your chances of promotion and affect your health, a government report out today warns.

In the report, titled Just a hole? Needling big company bosses, it is revealed that less than one percent of company chairmen and the top barristers, surgeons, civil servants and accountants boast of body piercing.

However, in clear contrast, up to thirty percent of the unemployed interviewed had some element of body piercing. Some, it is believed, actively seek flesh-based metal accoutrements in order to discourage potential employers.

A spokesman for the Treat Individuals The Same (TITS) campaign — that encourages body piercing — was furious at the report's accusations but sadly was unable to speak since his tongue had swelled to three times its normal size.

The report also goes on to claim that body piercing reduces an individual's reasoning and basic level of intelligence, pointing to thousands of cases where people continued to have intimate metallic additions shorn through their flesh despite previous experience.

This fanatical cyborgesque desire is costing the NHS up to £50 million a year in infection costs, the report estimates. It recommends a compulsory new health warning for all recent body piercers to be tattooed on the forehead. The three-inch by three-inch moniker will read: "I think I'm pretty cool — an original and a free thinker not restrained by the conventions of society. But in reality, I have simply followed millions of other mindless morons. In the months ahead I look forward to swelling, redness and yellow-green pus discharge causing me excruciating pain and discomfort."

Meanwhile, a foolhardy Mancunian has finally worked out how to get both streams into the toilet bowl just two weeks after his alcohol-inspired Prince Albert doubled his trouser snake's vision.