Man on sofa in sports hiatus terror ordeal

A Basingstoke man has been telling how an unexpected gap in television sports coverage led to his being subjected to a terrifying three-day ordeal at the hands of his wife and three children.

Speaking exclusively to The Rockall Times, Joseph Patata, 43, sobbed quietly as he recounted the hellish 72 hours during which he was NAGGED INCESSANTLY into taking his children swimming, SUBJECTED to continuous barbed remarks from his mother-in-law regarding the unfinished kitchen shelving, and THREATENED WITH DIVORCE by his enraged wife after he attempted to avoid a previously-arranged family holiday by professing a new-found and fanatical interest in Sky TV's coverage of the international dwarf-throwing championships in Ulan Bator.

"It all happened so quickly," Patata told us. "On Sunday afternoon I was still savouring the thrilling and nail-biting conclusion to the French Grand Prix, and had just cracked open a beer in anticipation of a white-knuckle end to the British Golf Open when I just happened to glance at the following week's TV guide."

It was only then that the full gravity of the situation dawned on Patata. Despite a frantic search, Patata was unable to locate any major sporting event on any channel between Monday morning and the Commonwealth Games preview show on Wednesday evening. But there was worse to come. Patata's wife Joyce, 38, had already identified the sporting void and was preparing to strike.

"She was straight out of the blocks with a suggestion that we nip to the local DIY store on the Monday evening," explained Patata with a shudder, "and then take the kids out to the Aquapark. No sooner had I started to explain that I'd been waiting all year for the World tractor-pull qualifiers in Dundee than she correctly interjected that they did not begin until 17 August. My blood ran cold, I can tell you. She had the whole thing planned."

Experts have confirmed that the three-day gap is the first time in more than 40 years of televised sport that punters have not been able to enjoy wall-to-wall coverage, thereby avoiding the need to move from the sofa. "True, sometimes you might end up watching 17 hours of relentless crown green bowling," noted one authority, "but at least it precludes any possibility of redecorating the living room until the start of Wimbledon."

Patata, meanwhile, expects to recover from his ordeal as soon as the football Premiership kicks off in two weeks. "It's not a problem," he said. "There are ten days of skidoo racing from Lapland starting tomorrow. That should just about cover it."