Those Commonwealth Games results in full

Well, it's been a rollercoaster fortnight in Manchester as the Commonwealth Games surpassed all expectations of human drama. But as the cheering of the crowds gives way to the more familiar Mancunian ambience of gunfire and police sirens, we are delighted to present this full results listing.

Abbrevations

G: Gold
S: Silver
B: Bronze
CR: Commonwealth record
WR: World Record

100 metres British passport dash

The cream of ex-British colonies' athletes fought it out to qualify for a British passport and thereby give the UK at least an outside chance of winning a major sporting trophy. In a thrilling final, Canada, Jamaica and South Africa battled for supremacy, with Canada finally winning through. Look out for their latest British tennis star at next year's Wimbledon.

G: Canada
S: South Africa
B: Jamaica

4x4 year election-rigging relay

Sensational new world record for veteran Robert Mugabe as he effortlessly rigged no less than four consecutive elections. Sadly, the widespread deployment of democracy around the World saw Zimbabwe as the only contestant in this Games favourite.

G: Zimbabwe 4 — New WR
S: –
B: –

All-comers immigrant bang-up

Unfancied Australia have made huge strides in the last two years in this new Games discipline. A tremendous effort in banging up thousands of refugees in an outback death camp clinched gold for the Lucky Country.

G: Australia (22,372) — New CR
S: England (19,491)
B: Scotland (24)

Sychronised International Policy

No doubt about the result here as the US and UK took gold with their flawless War on Terror™ programme. Not a foot out of step or a word out of place as Tony Blair and George Bush wowed the judges by agreeing on absolutely everything. Breathtaking.

G: UK/US
S: US/Israel
B: Israel/Third Reich

Identity card implementation time trial

The UK's David Blunkett swept the board by announcing the immediate introduction of an identity card within 11 minutes of al-Qaeda's attack on the World Trade Center. He later followed up this blinding performance with a further proposal for a card to combat illegal immigration, and then incredibly also took bronze with an insistant call to make ID cards mandatory as part of a clampdown on people legally bringing back booze and fags from other EU member states. The stuff of legends.

G: UK (11 mins 0 secs)
S: UK (Three months, seven days, three hours, twenty-three minutes)
B: UK (Nine months)

Celebrity liver transplant relay

Soccer legend George Best claimed Northern Ireland's only gold medal of the games as he magnificently ran with the hepatic baton for the Province. A complete vindication for the UK's brewing industry and a testimony to the success of public funding for sporting events, Best is reported to already be in intensive training for his third, world-record, liver. England's National Health Service took silver, having successfully rustled up enough cash to perform one other liver transplant during the year, just ahead of Fiji, who equalled that total, although the patient later died in a abortive military coup.

G: Northern Ireland (2)
S: England (1)
B: Fiji (1)

Coxless eights Eurotunnel Marathon

Considered to be among the most physically-demanding of all sports, this year's Channel Marathon — from Calais to Ashford — proved the undoing of some of the Third World's most fancied nations. In the end, it was the plucky Albanians who were arrested first by UK Customs when they were found hanging under the wheels of a Eurostar train just outside Folkestone. As is traditional, they will not receive medals, but rather full state benefits and B&B accommodation in the Hastings area.

G: Albania
S: Afghanistan
B: Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia

Shooting

Doubtless the French will be looking forward to competing in the forthcoming European Championships in the small-bore rifle class after the recent thrilling attempt on President Chirac's life. In Manchester, however, they were mere onlookers as South Africa once again beat the world with a truly sensational murder rate. Previous winners Jamaica had to console themselves with a silver, while developing country Manchester must have been delighted with the bronze.

G: South Africa (52,381)
S: Jamaica (7,937)
B: Manchester (871)

Spin triathlon

Confirming once again his total dominance of this event, Tony Blair's press secretary Alistair Campbell stunned television audiences as he firstly made an election promise, immediately broke it, and then convinced the public that it had never existed in the first place. Other countries looking to develop a fully-mature democracy can only look on in wonder.

G: UK (Sole competitor)

Rowing

Although not normally their strongest discipline, the Scots amazed an experienced international field by taking to boats in their thousands following the complete submergence of Glasgow last week. Glasgow also dramatically secured silver after a man inexplicably disappeared into an enormous water-filled hole in one of the city's cemeteries. Favourites Bangladesh just managed to scrape the bronze, and admitted that two years of modest monsoon rains had left their training programme in ruins.

G: Scotland — CR
S: Scotland
B: Bangladesh

Breaststroke

An unusually low-key contest went eventually to Sweden, who's pairing of Sven Goran Eriksson and Ulrika Jonsson dominated the tabloids for eleven weeks. Top England performer Jordan — widely tipped to take gold — was sadly incapacitated through pregnancy. Liz Hurley also failed to have any sexual encounters exposed by the media, and missed the games through motherhood. In the end, Australia took silver with a rather lacklustre set of insinuations about singing soap star Holly Vallance's sexuality. Tired speculation about Britney Spears' virginity was enough to earn bronze for the US.

G: Sweden
S: Australia
B: US

Spam javelin

Since World Champion Lindford Christie's withdrawal from the sport, female commentators have had little to marvel at in the lunchbox department. These games can only have added to their disappointment, with the best-qualified black English sprinters spending most of their time face-down on the track, thereby depriving the judges of a slow-motion replay of their untethered wedding tackle. The organisers reluctantly cancelled the competition, but hope that British athletes will put on a good show at the European Athletics Championships.

Roving punditry

A truly marathon effort from unfancied veteran Nelson Mandela snatched gold from thirteen-times world champion Bono. In a nail-biting extra-time sudden-death finale, Mandela triumphed with a skilful but entirely unexpected condemnation of Britain's treatment of Lockerbie bomber Abdelbaset ali Mohmed al-Megrahi. A visibly-shocked Bono could only stand in amazement as Mandela went right off on one on a subject that the Irish singer had clearly never even considered. England's Sting took bronze for continual muttering about the rainforest.

G: South Africa
S: Ireland
B: England

10,000m state funeral walk

Another clean sweep for England in the climactic closing event of this year's Commonwealth Games. The nation proved yet again that nobody throws a state funeral quite like our Royals. Absolute triumph for HRH The Queen Mother as her funeral cortege held up Central London for an entire day, passing thousands of sobbing, flag-clad citizens on its way to Windsor. She shared the honours with her daughter Margaret whose funeral cortege held up Central London for an entire day, passing thousands of sobbing, flag-clad citizens on its way to Windsor. Not since the funeral of Lady Diana Spencer — whose funeral cortege held up Central London for an entire day, passing thousands of sobbing, flag-clad citizens on its way to Althorpe House — has such effortless pomp and ceremony been so richly rewarded. Gawd bless yer ma'ams.

G: England
S: England
B: England