New Irish saint sparks chart-busting chaos

The first Irish saint to be named in over a hundred years has become the centre of controversy after contracts for a percentage share of merchandising in the name of Pope Jean Paul II were discovered in a Roman lock-up.

The saint, Ardan O'Really, was canonised last month after the Catholic Church decided he had seen a vision of the Virgin Mary in 1232. Cardinals have been split on the decision for 200 years but eye-witness accounts written just five hundred years after O'Really's death helped sway the decision.

However, critics have pointed to the eerie likeness between O'Really and U2 frontman Bono. The date chosen to announce O'Really's sainthood also coincided with the release of Bono's new solo release God (Tell Me How To Be More Like You).

The merchandise contracts cast further doubt on the canonisation, with many believing that Jean Paul Two has "sold out" in order to benefit from a lucrative three per cent on every T-shirt and key fob sold on U2's next tour.

That's nonsense, said a papal spokesman, pointing out that it was all academic anyway since the Pope is infallible. The saga has fuelled the saint debate, however, following the recent canonisation of another controversial saint — Juan Diego of Mexico — who never actually existed and was an invention of the conquering Spanish.

Speaking off the record, a cardinal defended the decision to make O'Really a saint. "What does it matter if some old Irish bloke becomes a saint and we make a few bob out of it? Catholicism's all a load of old bollocks anyway."