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Jordan baby agony definitely down to weird rare condition

• Doctors tell me Harvey will suffer
  from funny sounding medical terms
• I don't know what they mean but
  I'm on the front of the newspapers

Pin-up Jordan remains distraught this week as doctors confirmed her baby Harvey will suffer from another two mysterious rare conditions which we'll vaguely refer to as "defects".

The news comes as a further blow to the huge-breasted model following the exclusive revelation that Harvey will be blind for his entire life and suffer from stunted growth.

"I don't believe in miracles," Jordan told The Rockall Times. "But the £20,000 for my exclusive story should see help me see that Harvey can be looked after properly."

However, we can exclusively reveal that the weird defects Harvey — believed to be named after Jordan's favourite cocktail, the Harvey Wallbanger — suffers from have nothing to do with Jordan's legendary intake of alcohol during the first trimester of her pregnancy.

Despite being pictured each week completely plastered at some PR bash until heavily pregnant, our newspaper's health expert took one look at Harvey and told us: "There's no way this is down to Foetal Alcohol Syndrome."

Which is extremely fortunate, one doctor told us: "If Jordan's baby were to have FAS, it could be expected to experience slower growth before and after birth, defects to the face heart and other organs and mental disabilities. Even blindness if it is severe."

"Then there's low birth weight, small head circumference, developmental delay, facial abnormalities, including smaller eye openings, flattened cheekbones, and indistinct philtrum, epilepsy, poor motor skills, poor socialisation skills, lack of imagination or curiosity, learning difficulties, behavioral problems, including hyperactivity, inability to concentrate, social withdrawal, stubbornness, impulsiveness, and anxiety."

One pub joker quipped: "If it weren't for the stunted growth and blindness, you'd definitely know it was Jordan's baby."

Why not toast our Jordan's recent arrival with your own Harvey? Click here to fix one up

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