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Lady Di memorial moat floats fans' boat

Almost five years after the tragic road crash which claimed the life of Diana Spencer, Princess of Wales, Queen of Hearts and the world's leading land mine clearance expert, the government has finally decided on a suitable memorial for the sainted Di.

The winning submission, created by Turner prize nominee Tracey Hirst-Lucas is described as a "powerful monument" to Diana's life and works.

The work — which will be built by the Serpentine in London's Hyde Park — consists of an area of turf lovingly encompassed by a canal where children can paddle and fill the air with "carefree laughter and joy".

The water reflects Diana's "free spirit", and a discreet planting of fragrant fruit trees seeks to reinforce her status as "Earth Mother" to all the planet's disenfranchised infants.

"We see this as a place of quiet contemplation," confirmed the artist, speaking at London's Met Bar. "An oasis of calm amid a turbulent sea of worldly turmoil."

Inevitably, several leading establishment figures — including a number of Diana's close friends — have fallen over each other in the unseemly rush to condemn the plan. The one aspect which has attracted particular hostility is Hirst-Lucas' monumental sculpture which will form the focus of the memorial. Called simply "Car", it is a gigantic wrecked Mercedes atop a brutal concrete pillar.

"It's absolutely hideous," Lady Epiphenia Saffron-Waldon told The Rockall Times. "Di would have hated it. Why on earth they couldn't have a proper statue of her and Dodi al-Fayed and some rose beds and benches, I can't imagine."

Others have expressed safety concerns at the announcement that the entire 23-ton sculpture will sway randomly in the wind. These are dismissed by Hirst-Lucas. "If you're going to properly reflect Diana's personality, then it's got to be a bit unstable, hasn't it?" she said before urinating into a wine glass and sticking a £50,000 price tag on the impromptu creation.

But, whatever the critics say, ordinary people have warmed to the idea. One call-centre operative, who has been camping out in Hyde Park since 1998 in anticipation of the gala inauguration, told us tearfully: "No, it's the way she would want to be remembered. She touched the lives of millions. She was a saint, you know."

Work on the memorial will begin as soon as everyone in Britain has been interviewed on television and asked for their two bits' worth.

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