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  Monday 5th August 2002  Politics   Powered by Yeast Logic
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Pope canonises Blair

Dome to be turned into shrine
by Geoff Pattison

The Vatican is today expected to announce the canonisation of Britain's beloved president Tony "regular guy" Blur. The announcement has nothing to do with a government donation of £10 billion of taxpayers' money to the papal pension scheme.

A spokesman for the Vatican said that it was about time Blur got what was coming to him. "All candidates for sainthood have to demonstrate two miracles. Well in ze case of Signor Blair, the first miracle was getting them to put him in charge of ze Labour party."

The second miracle, the spokesman explained, was obvious: "Who can explain why the UK voted him and his followers into power for a second term? It can only have been an Act of God."

St Tony of the Dome, as he will be known, was delighted with the honour. "I'm just a regular saint", he said, "and this will prove to everyone that there's fairness and justice in this country. I passed the five economic tests and, hey presto, I'm a saint."

As millions of British people gathered to worship at the Dome, Blair is expected to pull off a third, unprecedented, miracle: make the millennial money toilet a success.

"Only Jesus has done better," one religious type told us. "Maybe what they say is true."

 Go on then, hard man