Rockall is centre of known universe

Scientists simulating time reversal by running the expanding cosmos backwards were astonished to discovered the known universe was formulated at Rockall.

"We plotted the trajectories of all the highest magnitude stars in the sky," said chief scientist Chuck Kowalski. "And then reversed their motions until the universe contracted to a point. Four weeks of computation later, we were astonished to discover that Earth was in fact the centre of the universe.

"A week after that, we had pinpointed the centre of the universe to the little known rock 300 miles off the coast of Britain, known simply as Rockall."

Further investigations have so far been hampered by a particularly aggressive herring gull.

"It's a fully grown gull," said Mr Kowalski. "One of those with the really sharp beaks. And unfortunately it's nesting upon the exact spot where we think evidence of the universe's fiery birth will be found."

Meanwhile, descendants of Nicolaus Copernicus, Johannes Kepler and Galileo Galilei have reported obscene phone calls and death threats. The Vatican is helping police with their enquiries.