Cherie miscarriage forces Blair Iraq U-turn

Tony Blair's plans to help US president Dubya take over Iraq, have been cancelled following his wife's miscarriage.

Unable to persuade the cabinet, Commons or British people that entering a lengthy war against the Beast of Baghdad was exactly the tonic the UK economy needed, Blair was relying on the birth of his fifth child to get the public to back his "vision".

Sadly, Catholic Cherie, 47, miscarried, wrecking Blair's chances of overwhelming considered opinion with cute pictures, crushing sentimentality and impassioned speeches. Advisers have told Mr Blair that without the child, the chances of swaying public opinion are slim.

Even with a full media roll-out featuring a strong but emotional Blair at Cherie's bedside, demonstrating his lion-like courage in the face of adversity yet also reflecting the pain that only a devoted husband and loving father can feel, the prime minister can expect just three weeks' worth of sympathy.

A full-scale war will need at least six weeks of attention-deflecting news, an expert told us — usually only possible with the birth of a new child or a bomb that kills up to 12 adults or three innocent children.

Government staff are working 24 hours a day to come up with a 2002 version of the faked "Iraqi devils rip Kuwaiti babies from incubators" story to help ease the country into conflict. Top advertising company M&C Saatchi has reportedly been given a £6 million contract to come with various war approaches, and Oasis are said to be working on a theme tune for the attack.

"Don't worry, it's a minor setback," one Whitehall official told The Rockall Times. "Obviously without the new baby things will be harder, but come the end of the year, you'll all be crying out for Saddam's head on a plate."