Rockall classified ads 12/08/2002

Congratulations

• You Can Fly! To Tufty, Fluffy, Downy, and Tawny Oystercatcher — see, we said just flap your wings and off you'd go. Love, Mum and Dad.

Deaths

• Tawny Oystercatcher. God said: "If I don't catch you when you flap your wings, it's because I want you for greater things." Memorial service Tuesday followed by internment of what's left after the crabs have dined.

Cosmetic Surgery

• Crabs — lost a leg whilst defending your territory? Turtles — been dropped from a great height by an angry gull? Don't worry, help is at hand. We at the Limbs-U-Like Cosmetic Trauma Centre have ready-made replacements for all those body parts so easily mislaid. Full after care service provided. Chauffer-driven pick-up within three rocks. (We also buy body parts — top prices paid).

Public Notices

• Sunday: Display by the Arctic Tern Marching Pipe Band on the flat bit right at the top of Rockall at 2pm prompt. Be early to avoid disappointment.
• Sunday: Protest Rally — Herring Gulls Against Marching Bands, 2pm prompt on the flat bit right at the top of Rockall. Be early. Bring own sharpened beak.