Knob-chop doc anti-Semite say militant beardies

The Mexican surgeon who cut off the penis of a man who was only booked in for circumcision is an anti-Semite, the US Jewish lobby has declared.

Dr Francisco Javier Valentin y Ortiz has been arrested over accusations of negligence, malpractice and failure to possess the necessary certification for knob surgery, although the bearded black helicopter brigade says the conspiracy goes far deeper than that.

"This man is an anti-Semite," stated one. "Why else would he cut off the penis of an innocent man? We may have another Joseph Mengele on our hands — who knows how many he has already prevented from procreating. He must be held in a containment facility and if necessary executed."

Despite the patient's confessed Catholicism, the event has sent a chill through America. "There is an increasing incidence of this anti-Semitic behaviour," one congressman told reporters. "This is a free and fair country and anyone that doesn't respect different races and religions can leave. Especially Muslims."

Under new laws, the US government is entitled to imprison indefinitely anyone in the world that behaves differently to how it wants them to. Already, a Chilean farmer, a sports commentator from Zambia, some rag-heads and several thousand Afghans have been subject to the laws which will protect our freedom. Dr Ortiz is most likely to be transported to a new facility being built in Texas for those of alternative ideological persuasion.

Meanwhile, the memberless patient, who begged us to remain anonymous, continues to rock back and forth in front of a selection of pornography, desperately going through his kitchen cabinets every five minutes in the hope of finding something that will relieve him. The closest so far was the lemon zester.