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London media circus discovers people with funny accents

The UK television industry, based exclusively within Greater London, is on the cusp of a linguistic revolution, we can reveal.

Following a series of successful test programmes featuring a man from "Wales" reading the news and a young gentleman from the city of "Newcastle" as a narrator, TV producers have decided to allow more people who speak funny onto our TV screens.

The dramatic change will bring mainstream television in line with the more culturally aware TV programmes such as drama, which have enjoyed the ironic nature and peculiar philosophy of those that live above the Watford Gap for many years now.

"I have already signed one man from Liverpool, where the football club is," one producer confided. "He sounds just like John Lennon used to talk, which is great because we're planning a 60s season from the autumn."

"I've got one from Scotland," another excitedly explained. "It's either Glaswegian or from Edinburgh. I can't understand a word it says, but then that's all the rage with this new approach to inclusive programming."

The startling trend is believed to have stemmed from BBC Producer Pippy Rover, who, taking an ironic holiday in Britain in 2000, came across an enormous number of people who were able to communicate with each other but did so in a most peculiar manner.

Sporting a black poloneck and light-grey sports jacket, Rover told The Rockall Times: "However, I soon realised they were talking English but in a funny accent. I was appalled at the time but I later realised the untapped potential for using these people to appeal to their own kind."

Since that dream, Rover has faced an enormous amount of criticism from within the media concerned about "dumbing-down" and the continued inclusion of non-Oxbridge candidates in the industry, but has ultimately triumphed.

However, while people with "regional accents" — as they have become known — are now allowed on the screen, TV bosses told us there are no plans to move the industry itself out of London. "Can you imagine what would happen?" one asked rhetorically. "I mean, we've got one or two spots in Manchester and Nottingham because it's cheaper up there, but can you seriously imagine people from outside London making decisions about what programmes appear on our screen? It would all be about pigeons or rap music or working-class bingo players — and all without a drop of condescension."

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