UK exam results exceed wildest government predictions

The anxious wait for hundreds of thousands of A-level students is over — and this year they will be happier than ever before, with DoE figures released today showing a pass rate of 104.3 per cent.

For the first time in nearly 1,000 years, the number of people gaining the secondary-level qualification exceeded the number of students taking exams. "This hasn't happened since 1066," said gay minister for schools, Steven Twigg. "We're astounded — and delighted that our policies and investment in education has come to fruition. This is clear proof that we are much better than the Tories."

How this affects anyone, we have no idea, so we asked an expert. "It's simple," said an academic. "If the government figures go above 100 per cent, they have to award A-level certificates to match the pass rate. Any idiot can see that. Nice tie, by the way."

We took our findings back to Westminster, where Steven Twigg (gay) had this to say: "Your boffin is quite right. With figures of 104.3 per cent — much, much higher than under the Tories — we have to make sure that the number of A-levels awarded matches the pass rate."

Asked how this would be done, Wigg replied: "It will be done on a means-tested basis. Thickos will be first in line for a surplus A-level. Thereafter, anyone without an O-level, or who is Welsh or straight, will most likely qualify for an A-level this year."

Our roving reporter spoke to a group of successful youths who had gathered around a celebratory alcopop in Basingstoke shopping centre. They confirmed the results were deserved. "We was right brilliant, innit?" they chorused. "He once read a book," said one youth pointing at his friend. "Well, he stole a book from Tesco's for a bet. Anybody messes wiv us and they're toast."

All is not good news for the South West Examination Authority, however, which will be kept behind for an hour of detention for the next six weeks.

The punishment by the education watchdog comes after it was revealed the SWEA had given over 2,000 students estimated grades for their exams after it failed to mark student's exam papers.

A spokesman for the SWEA told reporters: "Snot fair. There's no point in marking the stupid exams anyway. The education authority just gives 'em what they want." A strongly-worded letter will be sent to SWEA staff's parents, a government spokesman said.