Canada invades St. Pierre and Miquelon

Fresh on the heels of Spain's heroic struggle to free football pitch-sized Isla Merde from Moroccan rule, Canada has taken a pair of nail scissors to the talons of imperialism and attacked French-owned outcrops St. Pierre and Miquelon off the coast of Newfoundland.

Just hours after the military assault, Canadian prime minister Jean Cretin gave a television address in which he explained the reasons for the invasion: "First of all they were French, which means even the Canadian Army can kick their ass. Second we could use the extra fish. And fourth, capturing small worthless pieces of rock is a timed-honoured way to boost national pride."

France was quick to condemn the action but has since capitulated. A syphilis-ridden French president Chirac was quoted as saying: "Wherever the remnants of our colonial glory are to be found, we will not defend them. Wherever our citizens who have never visited the Motherland reside, we will abandon them. Wherever there is a force that opposes us, we will back down. Vive la France!," at which point doctors came in and quickly shuffled the ailing president away.

Canadian officials were offering the islands' 623 citizens the chance to move to France or stay on the island, but insisted all of the sheep will have to remain. The repatriation programme has had a zero per cent take-up rate so far. In addition, all formerly French residents will have to take languages courses in order to learn how to speak the colourful and pronoun-deficient Quebecois.

This latest incident bodes ill for many of the other uninhabited or uninteresting bits of rock around the world. St. Helena and Ascension Island, among the more worthless of the worthless rock-based outcrops, have pleaded with London to provide at least 10,000 troops to defend them from the cunning Uruguayans.

London's response was as ruthless as it was swift. Two Royal Marines took their sentry box out of storage and raced over to Rockall to take up their post. They're nice enough blokes but a bit serious for our liking.