European washout fuels immigration fears

The devastating rainfall in central Europe may be used as cover for illegal immigrants to quite literally flood the region, customs officers warned today.

In the worst crisis European governments have had to face since the last one not too long ago, scum-sucking immigrants, gypos and even Muslims may use the chaos to slip unnoticed into benefit offices and non-government controlled housing, a government spokesman warned.

"Spotting illegal eastern European immigrants is usually easy due to their dishevelled and unwashed appearance," the spokesman said. "But since last week's unprecedented floods, they have all had a darn good bath and are now much harder to spot."

The shock admission is expected to spawned several hour-long TV documentaries, a live televised debate and a collectors' pull-out partwork in six instalments in The Mail on Sunday.

If their worst fears are confirmed and non-Anglo-Saxon people make their way into Britain, more Christians can be expected to be thrown out their lodgings in the dead of night to make way for 20-child Ukrainian families.

From there we are only a small step from old ladies being turn away from hospitals, inner-city knife fights, disease, pestilence and illegal dog-fighting mutu ritual killings, the Surbiton-based wife of a mediocre middle management executive confirmed.