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Rowan Raunchbitch's torrid sex tips for red-hot lovers

The runaway success of The Erotic Digest continues as we walk away with no less than three "Golden Clits" at the annual Smut Dressed as Lamb awards in London.

The event celebrates excellence in the field of punting pornography in the guise of sociology, and I must say, nobody does it better than we do. Indeed, Thor Hungstallion is now writing a highly-regarded gay sex column for the Saturday Guardian, while I am in great demand for late-night chat shows where I am pleased to illuminate the British public with pointers on how to get the most from their reproductive organs.

It seems that no discussion of sex in all its many and varied forms is now complete without an Erotic Digest opinion on the matter. Even as I write, office girl Gemma is on the floor of the photocopier room demonstrating the comparative merits of solar-powered sex aids while an appreciative camera crew from Channel 5 plus several Loaded photographers urge her on to greater heights of orgasmic excess.

I don't expect, however, that I will asked for a practical demonstration when I guest on Richard and Judy this week to explore the wonderful world of frottage. It's a pity, as I've always been a great fan of decorative paint effects and recently pulled off a triumphant rag-rolling project in my kitchen.

No, it appears that rather than get out the paint buckets and chamois leathers, the legendary couple want to explore the possibilities of sexual arousal via rubbing one's genitals against a partner — often while fully clothed.

And while the whole thing seems singularly pointless, Thor has been at pains to point out the popularity of the activity among the male homosexual fraternity. Hungstallion himself is an honourary member of "The Frot Club", which encourages men to come together after a short burst of furious rubbing. It is, he tells me, a safe and satisfying way to empty your testicles of ejaculate in these AIDS-aware times.

All very illuminating. Gemma adds that women can also enjoy this diversion, explaining that she recently enjoyed an earth-shattering climax by rubbing her engorged pudenda against the washing machine on spin cycle. The fact that the repair man was attempting to fix it at the time seems not to have deterred her.

So, will I recommend frottage to Richard and Judy's teatime audience? Hmmmm.... I must say I've never tried it, and am not going to spoil a perfectly good pair of expensive Agent Provocateur lace panties by soaking them with a tsunami of steaming love juices.

What I will tell them is this: when I require sexual satisfaction, I find it is best achieved by rubbing my clitoris for several minutes with an index finger soaked in strong antiseptic. Any subsequent moistness can be easily washed away by several hours' rigorous showering.

The clear advantage is that this chore can be quickly got out of the way without the need for third-party intervention, without the necessity to appear naked in front of a man and without the requirement to lower oneself reluctantly onto his hideously empurpled virile member.

Rowan Raunchbitch is Editor of The Erotic Digest

Next month: Shaving

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