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Support The Rockall Times' Argentinathon!

Sometimes we in the UK forget how truly fortunate we are to live in a temperate economic climate under the blue skies of liberal democracy. But let's spare a thought for those less blessed than ourselves and consider for a moment the plight of wretched Argentina.

It's hard to imagine that the country which, as recently as 1982, made a creditable — if ulimately ill-fated — attempt to take The Falkland Islands from the UK, would now be hard-pressed to rustle up enough cash to mount an assault on an undefended old peoples' home in downtown Buenos Aires.

How are the mighty fallen, to be sure. But, amid the fiscal despair and the added humiliation of an early exit from the World Cup, there is hope. We at The Rockall Times have spent three weeks on a whistle-stop tour of Latin America raising support for our poverty-busting Argentinathon. And, after a veritable marathon of civic receptions and Bob-Geldof-style hard talking, we have extracted a generous list of pledges from Argentina's sister nations.

This is where you come in. Simply have a quick rummage around in the attic, or the shed, and see if there's anything you really could do without but which might be vital in propping up the Argentinian economy — at least until the IMF loan comes through. You know the sort of thing — Grandad's old army boots; that unworn Xmas sweater; $80 billion in cash.

When you've found that life-saving item, email us the details here and we'll make sure that your pledge makes its way directly to those most in need*. Thankyou for your support. The world will be a better place for it. A full list of pledges will appear in next week's Rockall Times.

Current pledges:

• Belize: Despite Belize's status as a UK protectorate — and hence not generally kindly-disposed towards former military regimes — its government has kindly offered the temporary loan of 100 top-quality prostitutes who routinely service British forces there. It is hoped they will be able to restore the shattered morale of the Argentinian military who have been unable to afford even a quick hand-job for more than six months.
• Bolivia: The people of Argentina might be hungry, but not for long. Thirteen tons of raw coca leaves — that favoured Andean appetite suppressant — are making their way right now to the Argentinian capital.
• Brazil: The impoverished Gauchos will soon be able to enjoy the same benificent protection which has made Brazil's economy the envy of Latin America. Yes, Argentina is to have its very own enormous Christ statue which, just like the original in Rio de Janeiro, will smile down on the poverty-ravaged capital. It may not produce immediate tangible economic benefits, but at least the Argies will be able to console themeselves with the fact that their plight is all part of God's big plan for the region. Amen.
• Chile: The good burghers of the world's most improbably long nation have pulled out all the stops to produce the biggest taco ever seen in the southern hemisphere. Stretching from Santiago de Chile in the north to Tierra del Fuego in the south, it will be transported across the Andes on thousands of llamas and quickly cut into fun-size portions as it crosses Argentina's western border. The Chilean Air Force will fly in 500,000 paper plates for the planned "Pampas Tacofiesta".
• Colombia: Left-wing FARC guerrillas recently kidnapped the president of Colombia's biggest oil company. They tell us they will donate 50 per cent of the $2 million ransom to our Argentinathon. Unless they have to kill him, in which case they'll have a quick whip round and stick the cash in the post.
• Costa Rica: Eight million bananas and 30,000 hand-painted parrot mobiles — that's the level of support we've come to expect from this most culturally sophisticated of nations. Plus, we have a personal pledge from the president that, should the Argentinian economic crisis continue, he'll throw in one hundred pairs of tickets for a tree-top rainforest safari. Lovely.
• El Salvador: Fully aware that Argentina is currently unable to maintain the world-renowned level of clandestine military activity for which it is rightly famous, US-friendly El Salvador has offered no less than three highly-trained anti-insurgency units to keep things ticking over. Expect a rapid return to headless corpses in ditches and people falling out of helicopters.
• Equador: Nowhere more so than in Equador will the sight of fellow Latin Americans losing the shirts off their backs provoke an immediate humanitarian drive. Cue two million "My brother crossed The Equator and all I got was this lousy t-shirt" 100 per cent cotton snug-fit garments en route to Buenos Aires.
• Guatemala: Beaten out of the blocks by El Salvador's offer of military support, Guatemala told us they'd send us an email as soon as they could think of some other donation which adequately reflected their "US-assisted-anti-falling-domino-death-squad" stereotype. We look forward to that.
• Mexico: Within a matter of days, hundreds of roaming Mariachi bands will be on call to entertain enormous queues of frustrated Argentinians waiting outside banks in a vain attempt to withdraw the last of their decimated life savings. Promises to be colourful.
• Nicaragua: Delighted at no longer having the most wretched economy in Latin America, Nicaragua has agreed to lend Argentina its well-thumbed copy of How to apply for an IMF loan in 10 easy steps — Banana republic edition 2002, with the proviso that it must have it back before the next coffee harvest.
• Paraguay: An auction next week in the capital Asunción hopes to raise up to $50,000. Lots include huge quantities of Nazi memorabilia, fake passports and — of most interest to collectors — an application for citizenship dated May 1945 and signed M.Bormann.
• Peru: Not to be outdone by Mexico, Peru has dispatched three thousand authentic pan-pipe orchestras to the pampas from where they will disseminate their own particular brand of chill-out lift music.
• Uruguay: Told us they didn't have anything of value they could think of, but were prepared to offer a cool $500 cash for any top-of-the-range Argentinian-registered German car — as long as it was less than one year old with a full service history. Plus a CD-multichanger, air conditioning, sun roof, full tank of petrol and the current owner's services as unpaid chaffeur for a year.
• Venezuela: Last but not least, Venezuela has decided to donate to Argentina its rapidly-escalating murder rate in the hope that having less people alive in the country will contribute to the ongoing cost-cutting drive. Good lateral thinking there, we hope you'll agree.

*Total value of goods minus shipping, export tax and adminstrative costs. Expected eventual benefit to Argentina = 6p per £. The Rockall Times reserves the right to keep any particularly tasty piece of kit for itelf in order to better pursue the dream of a fairer, more caring world.

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