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The Rockall Times' pocket guide to Brazil

We at The Rockall Times are often asked: "What are the amazing facts about Brazil which make it a constant source of fascination?"

An excellent question and, thanks to International Satire Exchange — a programme which encourages ironic cross-fertilisation — we were recently able to travel to Brazil to experience first-hand all those little foibles which will extract a chuckle from even the most moribund son of Samba.

Readers might imagine that a country whose economy is on the verge of collapse and where the average life expectancy of a male is twenty-three would have little to laugh about. Not so, as the following incredible compendium of facts will demonstrate:

The Rockall Times' pocket guide to Brazil

1. The population of Brazil is an incredible 170 million people, and every last one of them can dance the Lambada to an Olympic standard.

2. Likewise, any Brazilian can curl a football around a five-man wall with ease. Those confined to a wheelchair can apply for exemption from this particular cultural requirement, although it is generally frowned upon.

3. Brazilians employ the same breathtaking skills in their driving. Visitors will be constantly entertained by some entirely unexpected and crowd-pleasing manoeuvers. And, whereas most nations insist that motorists adhere to one or other side of the road, Brazil has entirely liberated itself from this constraint.

4. No Brazilian can graduate from High School without having learnt at least the first two verses and chorus of The Girl from Ipanema.

5. The country's inhabitants are an exciting genetic melange of Portuguese, black African and ageing National Socialist Party members.

6. Brazil's total land area is equivalent to a mind-numbing 1,985,063,381,398,345 football pitches. Laid end-to-end, its rivers would stretch 400 times around the equator — that's 429,194,028,294 Peles lying head-to-toe.

7. Every day, land-hungry peasants slash and burn an area of virgin Amazonian rainforest equal to 285,134,648,482 sheets of EU standard lasagne. They and their children quickly suck what little nutrition remains from the still-smouldering soil through straws before moving on. The ravaged land will later accomodate a Volkswagen factory or vast tropical tax-free shopping mall.

8. In an effort to stem the tide of destruction, the government recently ordered the creation of the world's largest national park — the size of Switzerland but with the clear benefit of containing no Swiss whatsoever. The extraction of alluvial gold from rivers, the felling of trees and the shooting of indigenous tribes is strictly forbidden in the reserve, except upon payment to the relevant authority of a huge suitcase crammed with US dollars.

9. The national flag carries the slogan Ordem e Progresso (Order and Progress). Brazilians are still waiting for the progress they ordered back in 1880, and expect delivery a soon as they make the final cash payment in 2045.

10. The national currency of Brazil is the real, although travellers should be warned that this can change up to three times during the length of an average transatlantic flight.

11. Brazil's national debt is so great that the interest alone amounts to 141 Jeffrey Archer libel settlements PER SECOND.

12. The average monthly wage in Brazil is around £150. By the time you reach the end of this sentence it will be roughly £120, and when you have read the entire article, most Brazilians will be paying £80 per month for the privilege of working at all.

13. Despite its economic poverty, the country is remarkably rich in its ecological abundance. Brazil contains 90 per cent of all the world's animal species, including 8 out of ten of the planet's most corrupt politicians.

14. Although they are endangered elsewhere, Brazil's corrupt politician protection scheme has proved a great success. The mandatory taking of bribes ensures that they will continue to flourish for the foreseeable future.

15. Similarly, the Brazilian police force goes from strength to strength, having seen a 4,000 per cent increase in its budget in recent years. Most of this is in the form of philanthropic donations from cocaine traffickers.

16. As a result, crime in Brazil has fallen to virtually zero. Anyone sufficiently foolhardy to commit even the most minor infringement of the law will most likely be shot on the spot by the Military Police.

17. Brazil has been equally efficient in tackling the problem of street children. A quick stroll down Rio's Copacabana beach will convince any tourist that there are no longer any infants sleeping rough on the country's streets. Most of them have been relocated to Brazil's vast interior where they are taught useful skills such as shining shoes and the techniques of open-cast gold mining.

18. At one time, 96 per cent of the country's cars ran on cane alcohol. Now, due to external economic pressures, just 3 per cent of cars are powered by this eco-friendly fuel, whereas 87 per cent of the population now run on some form of alcohol-based derivitive.

19. During her lifetime, the average Brazilian female will spend just 27 years in bed, but an impressive 33 years getting ready to go out.

20. Additionally, she will consume a further four years shopping for shoes and two years having her hair done.

21. Incredibly, she still finds another year to discuss her shoes with her friends.

22. Of the 33 years the average Brazilian male spends waiting for his partner to get ready to go out, he will while away 31 years talking about football. The remaining two years will be split between drinking beer and smoking strong cigarettes. He is not expected to accompany his partner on shoe-shopping expeditions or to the beauty salon, and is rather encouraged — after handing over the necessary funds — to meet other males in a bar and discuss football while smoking strong cigarettes.

23. While Brazilians work their way through an impressive amount of tobacco and coffee, they are undisputed world champions in the consumption of sugar. Indeed, Brazil has the highest per capita intake of sugar of any nation. The average Brazilian will digest a weight of sugar equivalent to 1,207,846 grapefruit during his or her lifetime.

24. Petrol is the only substance to which Brazilians do not regularly add sugar. To avoid potential culinary disasters, visitors are advised to ask for low-sugar salt in restaurants, where salt will commonly contain 80-90 per cent sugar.

25. The average life expectancy of a Brazilian diabetic is three months.

So, there you have it — everything you need to know about Brazil and a little bit more. Before boarding that plane to Rio, be sure to pack your dancing shoes!

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