Those white Zimbabwean farmer poll results in full

A fortnight ago, we asked you, the good burghers of Rockall, to aid the plight of white Zimbabwean farmers and give advice on what they ought to do.

It's not as simple a question as go or stay as many of you recognised by failing to vote for those options. A knee-jerk reaction by our American cousins saw some suggest calling 911, despite the fact that even if that number were to get through to Zimbabwean police, they would be the last people the farmers want to speak to.

Surprisingly few of you went for ordering a pizza or drinking a beer, displaying a knowledge of Zimbabwe's culture we were not sure you were aware of.

And commonsense prevailed with only a handful of people suggesting farmer purchase guns to defend their land. Quite how they were supposed to kill Kaffirs without them is anyone's guess. Unless of course you planned to use the MIGs.

Buying Roy Keane was a definite option. He'd be sure to deflect attention from the land reorganisation — but for how long? Likewise growing GM crops may appear at first to be an ideal solution but under closer inspection both ideas are stupid.

So, options running out, what else do you do when there's a world crisis? Call everybody's favourite travelling millionaire rock pundit Bono. Only a man who has penned the hit Where the Streets Have No Name and then lived under the spotlight while in the lap of luxury could fully understand all the issues and pose with the key players in stupid glasses before giving a free concert during which everyone, reconciled by the power and love in his music, would make friends and live together in peaceful co-existence for ever and ever.

Fortunately we don't need the ageing twat because numbero uno choice was to watch TV. A spectactularly clever choice. One, its coma-enducing properties will take farmers' minds off the problems at hand. Two, you can tell as soon as the electricity lines are cut. And three, war veterans are less likely to kill you if you can tie them into daytime TV. Sure, they will start to stink the place out a bit and you'll run into trouble when the crisps run out, but you've still got your land and your head.

Full results below:

1. Watch TV — 230
2. Call Bono — 128
3. Buy MIGs — 124
4. Plant GM crops — 99
5. Buy Roy Keane — 77
6. Kill Kaffirs — 68
7. Have a beer — 35
8. Call 911 — 24
9. Buy guns — 23
10. Order a pizza — 20
11. Stay — 12
12. Go — 11