Pinochet biography provokes international rumpus

The imminent release of former Chilean dictator Augusto Pinochet's candid biography has provoked a storm of protest in both Chile and the UK, we can reveal.

An expurgated manuscript of Oh well, you've got to laugh haven't you? obtained by The Rockall Times reveals how the reluctant despot was forced by fellow members of the military to commit terrible atrocities while he struggled to reconcile the acts with his fervent Catholicism.

The deeply religious Pinochet, now 86, tells of his ascent to power in the 1973 US-backed coup which overthrew democratically-elected president Salvador Allende. He confirms that he had no wish to become president, but was told by senior staff officers that he "had the most convincing moustache for the job" and that, whether he liked it or not, the CIA had "already commissioned the statue of me atop a charger waving a sword to be erected in the centre of Santiago de Chile, as tradition dictates".

What followed is unsurpassed in the annals of tyranny. Thousands of Chileans faced torture and death, their bodies never recovered. A fearful Pinochet wept openly as he signed hundreds of arrest warrants, fully aware that those named would disappear forever. He protested frequently, only to be told by his American advisers to "get on with the job or face a quick ride in the chopper" — a chilling reference to the practice of throwing the regime's opponents alive from a helicopter.

Pinochet states that only his belief in the will of God and a better hereafter prevented him from ending it all with his ceremonial revolver. That and one very special friendship — that with the UK's then prime minister Margaret Thatcher.

"Without her unquestioning support, I would never have made it through the darkest years," writes an emotional Pinochet. This support was reciprocal — Chile's assistance proved vital in the Falklands War against Argentina.

But, it appears that Pinochet and Thatcher's "special relationship" went further than mutual admiration, and extended to international mutual masturbation. "Oh yes, she would give me a hand job on state occasions," confirms Pincochet. "There's a fantastic photo of me and Maggie at a state banquet in the Guildhall. People often wonder why I'm grinning like a Cheshire cat. That's down to Maggie giving me the old five-finger shuffle under the table. Thank God for that strategically-placed ice bucket, or they'd never have got the stain out of the carpet."

Pinochet is quick to stress that this orgy of diplomatic frottage was not all one-sided. "No. After 1982, I would often pleasure her with a 1:500 scale model of the General Belgrano — five minutes of frantic pumping after which the unfortunate vessel would be sucked into the watery abyss. Happy days."

It is this passage which has most angered Tory stalwarts. Former Thatcher advisor Toby Rubpubbly thundered angrily: "I've never heard such rubbish in my life. Maggie never offered manual relief — she only used her mouth on favoured Cabinet colleagues. It was the only time she ever stopped moaning about the bloody miners, to be frank."

And, if the flesh has grown weak, there is still ample evidence that the passion remains as strong as ever. In 1999, Pinochet narrowly escaped extradition from the UK to Spain when, during an informal visit, he was arrested on various murder charges relating to vanished Spanish citizens. It is believed that Thatcher's personal intervention secured his release.

Now, surely, Pinochet's autobiography will allow this frail man of peace to live out what years remain to him safe in the knowledge that he has finally set the record straight.

Oh well, you've got to laugh haven't you? is released on 20 April 2003, extradition permitting.