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  Monday 9th September 2002  Politics   Powered by Yeast Logic
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Dubya leads German election race

Schröder and Stoiber little chance against determined president
by Goak

"Four years is enough," said German chancellor Gerhard Cigar Schröder at yesterday evening's final meeting of highly-decorated members of his leftie SPD party.

Announcing his intention not to stand for re-election, Schröder described his rival Edmund "Fowl" Stoiber as a man "desperately seeking global acceptance by pushing back the envelope of bad taste".

"I want to give up my seat to someone who can't possibly have a worse reputation. Edmund already is beyond the pale and I haven't got the energy to follow him there," added Schröder, quickly gathering up his cigars before rushing home to reapply his auburn Schneizel natural hair-dye.

"I'm not interested," retorted Stoiber from a beer tent in Southern Bavaria where, for six days, he has been offering unique insights in Germany's economic situation in between steins of lager. "I never thought I had a chance of getting elected anyway, to be frank," he added. "It's really unfair of Gerhard to resign before I had an opportunity to lose fair and square."

With both contenders out the race, voters are lost over who to vote for on 22 September. Fortunately, salvation has come in the form of President Dubya of the US of A.

"If neither Gerhard nor Edmund wants to lead this great European country, I'll do it for you, my beloved friends and allies", Dubya recently told German reporters. "I'm gonna marry Edi's Angela Merkel who I gather is the pre-eminent sex bomb over there and has all of the skills of a Lewinsky," added Dubya who, according to a Whitehouse aide, has not yet been able to get a decent blowjob in the Oval Office.

"The German public is satisfied with the idea of Dubya's ass sitting in the front row of the German parliament," reports our man in Berlin. "If neither Schröder nor Stoiber are willing to stand they'll be quite content having Mr Shoot-first-ask-questions-later since there's nothing they like better than a strong leader with traditional values."

 Go on then, hard man