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Land of Hope and Glory

Britain once again stands erect atop the podium of international sporting excellence, we can report.

There were tears, there was Land of Hope and Glory, but above all there was pride as our national side last week swept aside a strong foreign field to take the Silly Umbrella World Cup. The result comes as a welcome tonic after dissapointment at both Wimbledon and Japan 2002.

Twenty-four teams contested the trophy with the UK as the little-fancied outsiders who rallied magnificently and eventually trounced the holders France in a nail-biting final.

Much of the credit for the sensational finale must go to 35-year-old mother of two, Sandra Ditch, whose late 63rd-minute sunstitution carried the day. Her almost unfeasibly absurd umbrella so impressed the judges that they deemed extra time unnecessary. Thousands of fans went wild as a tearful British squad celebrated victory draped in Union Jacks and flags of St George. The police reported that the celebrations were in the main good-humoured, with only a couple bars losing their plate-glass windows.

British supporter Jane Topple told The Rockall Times: "It's fantastic and just what we have all been waiting for. Who says we are not a force to be reckoned with on the world's sporting stage, eh?"

A German team are believed to have offered Sandra a world-record transfer fee, but the team's manager told reporters: "Sandra has had many offers and we will be looking at them all one at a time and not making any hasty decisions. I don't think it has all sunk in yet what the team and Sandra have achieved."

The Queen and prime minister Blair have sent messages of congratulations to the squad who are now tipped to receive honours in the New Year.

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