Sainsbury's to introduce organic-free range

Sainsbury's is to bring in a novel range of food products that will be guaranteed 99-per-cent organic free. The new products, a response to the latest trends in healthy eating habits, will be certified as containing less than one per cent of previously living material.

Sainsbury's Director of Healthy Eating Disorders, Karen MacCartney, explained: "We were concerned with the legal implications of our 'GM-free' range since most farmed products have completely unnatural genetic structures shaped by centuries of selective breeding and cross-fertilisation." The solution arrived at by the company's boffins has been to remove living organisms from the equation altogether.

Consumers will be offered a choice of tempting goodies, such as organic-free dehydrated milk (calcium carbonate), to supplement existing chemical concoctions such as Sunny Delight™, and the recently discovered French beverage, Water™. They are also hoping to produce a competitive range of salted cinema snacks.

Prices are expected to be slightly higher than at present. "Obviously the consumer must pay the price for healthy eating," commented MacCartney, "but we still hope to sell a kilogram of organic-free 'onion-a-likes' for less than £10. A full day's nutrition can be obtained by the consumption of just 1.7 tonnes of material from the range."

Tesco immediately responded to the announcement with a new series of TV adverts for its organic products. The first of the series shows healthy smiling children eating chips made from tiny silicon-based factory made potatoes costing three times the price of a standard King Edward. The happy infants then go on to beat up fat wheezy kids choking on GM corn. A later episode will feature a small girl with an organic hamburger saving a drowning kitten using laser beams from her eyes.

The response from other supermarket chains has been varied. Asda has identified DNA itself as the offending material, and will be offering many of its products without it. The extraction is a simple process involving liquidation and spinning in a laboratory centrifuge.

Marks and Spencers claims nothing on earth can be truly expected to be free of human influence, and now intend to set up a manufacturing plant on the moon. Boxes of new M&S 'MoonFlakes' are expected to sell for £999 million. Their advertising slogan, "You can't put a price on your children", will be modified for Morocco.

Sainsbury's hope to have the new line on the shelves in time for Christmas.