Satan-worshipping vicar deflowered 200 virgins

A Cumbria vicar today faces the burning fires of hell in perpetuity after it became clear that he had KISSED a woman in 1996 and had furthermore attemped to deploy his fevered TONGUE during the manoever.

Harry Brown, former Priest-in-Charge of Crosscrake and Preston Patrick, also PRESSED his lust-crazed body against another female parishioner after plying her with ALCOHOL and enticing her onto a small SOFA.

During cross examination by the Witchfinder General of York, Brown tearfully admitted that he had DEFLOWERED more than 200 simpering VIRGINS, his hideously empurpled MEMBER disgracefully discharging the foul seed of SATAN into their modesties.

A search of Brown's house revealed several familiars, including a BLACK CAT, two sinister-looking MICE and a tortoise named DAVE. Brown frankly declared that they often sallied forth by night, causing storms and tumult, turning milk sour and provoking spontaneous abortions in cattle.

Calling for Brown to be nailed to a post, burnt, buried at a crossroads and further fined £25, The Grand Inquisitor of Fleet Street called for greater tabloid powers to "hunt down and exterminate this evil wherever it may dwell".

Next week:

Voodoo curate raises slave army of zombie parishioners