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Riddle of Barrymore's ashtray-free home

Police investigating the death of 31-year-old Stuart Lubbock at a party at entertainer Michael Barrymore's Essex mansion today spoke of their bafflement at the lack of ashtrays near the swimming pool.

"We think it's odd that at a party there should be no evidence of anyone smoking," said Inspector Backdoor of the Yard. "Everyone likes a fag at parties, and Mr Barrymore more than most. So where's the evidence? Just what kind of party was this? I mean, were the guests expected to throw their fags in the pool?"

The dead man in question is said to have suffered anal injuries consistent with a serious sexual assault. "My theory is the ashtrays were forcibly inserted," suggested Inspector Backdoor, "into Mr Barrymore's pockets just before he ran away when the dead man was discovered and before police arrived. For some reason Mr Barrymore was loath to be discovered with dirty ashtrays and a dead homosexual in his swimming pool."

Barrymore has refused to answer any question regarding the ashtrays, and further strongly refuted tabloid suggestions that he is a gay junkie rapist murderer.

The cheeky celebrity left reporters in no doubt when he answered tough questions surrounding Lubbock's death.

Speaking at the official inquest, the seductive showman wittily noted that he was not prepared to answer any questions regarding his drug intake, Stuart's drug intake, Stuart's anal injuries, an eye-witness' report that he had rubbed cocaine into Mr Lubbock gums or how Stuart managed to drown in his swimming pool.

Despite having only met Mr Lubbock that night, the openly gay Mr Barrymore warmly welcomed him into his £2 million house. What he couldn't have known was Mr Lubbock's intention to take large quantities of ecstasy, cocaine and alcohol before dive-bombing repeatedly into his guest's swimming pool to give the impression of having been screwed in the arse before drowning himself — an act known as "die-bumming" in the gay community.

Asked if he expected his TV career to survive the court case, Mr Barrymore said candidly: "I am not prepared to answer that question."

His lawyer Michael Mansfield QC meanwhile has taken out an injunction against the last sentence of this story, which, we must admit, was a little unfair on the charismatic VIP.

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